The mother daughter relationship can be no less than a cryptogram and at times you may accept, decode and explore it with a sense of disbelief because of the complexities and diversities that bind its world together. It evolves and goes through several phases and every time you think you've fathomed it all, it gets metamorphosed once again.
Sometimes I feel I lack in a lot of aspects and can never make it as a ‘good’ daughter to her. Be it time, love or faith, I have never been able to be that giving or expressive, or warm for that matter, and so my relationship with my mother has been stuck at a state where things could have been much better. What made matters worse was her disease schizophrenia, and I found myself incapable of understanding the feelings that she always hid in her, the well of emotions that never came up to the surface. We had fights more often than not and her violent mood swings didn't help either.
On a rain swept afternoon when the molten glow in the sky was nowhere to be seen and I was at home trying to find it from the window in our room, I was once again struck with the recurrent thoughts of making it up to her. I somehow wanted to knit our worlds together and be at peace.
One of the things she liked doing the most was knitting and my encounter with a shopping portal a few days ago where you could find beautiful table lamps, cushion covers, rugs and bed sheets online left me with an idea that I thought would work. She used to teach me knitting when I was small and we used to spend incessant hours together weaving rows of threads and making dresses, cushion covers, handkerchiefs and more. I got out the case that had all the knitting accessories and kept it on her table so she could see it when she woke up from her afternoon slumber.
It was only when she took my name with childlike enthusiasm and called for me from the other room that I realise I was on the right track. We spent the falling afternoon talking about her childhood days and knitting cushion covers like we used to and built a comfort level that I hoped would only grow from here. With all the complexities of the mother daughter relationship closely following us, I knew I had a chance to find back the lost relationship.
Sometimes I feel I lack in a lot of aspects and can never make it as a ‘good’ daughter to her. Be it time, love or faith, I have never been able to be that giving or expressive, or warm for that matter, and so my relationship with my mother has been stuck at a state where things could have been much better. What made matters worse was her disease schizophrenia, and I found myself incapable of understanding the feelings that she always hid in her, the well of emotions that never came up to the surface. We had fights more often than not and her violent mood swings didn't help either.
On a rain swept afternoon when the molten glow in the sky was nowhere to be seen and I was at home trying to find it from the window in our room, I was once again struck with the recurrent thoughts of making it up to her. I somehow wanted to knit our worlds together and be at peace.
One of the things she liked doing the most was knitting and my encounter with a shopping portal a few days ago where you could find beautiful table lamps, cushion covers, rugs and bed sheets online left me with an idea that I thought would work. She used to teach me knitting when I was small and we used to spend incessant hours together weaving rows of threads and making dresses, cushion covers, handkerchiefs and more. I got out the case that had all the knitting accessories and kept it on her table so she could see it when she woke up from her afternoon slumber.
It was only when she took my name with childlike enthusiasm and called for me from the other room that I realise I was on the right track. We spent the falling afternoon talking about her childhood days and knitting cushion covers like we used to and built a comfort level that I hoped would only grow from here. With all the complexities of the mother daughter relationship closely following us, I knew I had a chance to find back the lost relationship.
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